There are a lot of alternative lifestyles being accepted these days. One of the most common lifestyles is the Married-Single life (married but living a lot like single people). What is interesting, is that other alternative lifestyles are a choice, but the married-single life isn’t really the lifestyle couples intended to live when they said, “I do”. What’s even more interesting is that many couples don’t even realize they are living a married – single life. All they really know is that they aren’t all that happy in their marriage. They are committed to being married but they are emotionally, spiritually and even physically disconnected from each other. Their move from being a Married Couple to becoming Married-Singles is a slow fade often brought on by life situations, circumstances and seasons. The distance that develops becomes the lasting lifestyle of married-singleness. Like a person in the earliest stage of cancer the situation goes undetected, unchecked and early signs and symptoms are often brushed off as “no big deal” but in the end they suffer greatly. It doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a slow fade…
- He’s working more hours, but the pay is good and he’s climbing the ladder!
- The kids are young and need a lot of help and attention right now.
- The routine of work, attending church, dropping off and picking up kids at school and practice has us coming and going for now.
- Money is tight so we don’t go out.
- We have different opinions about things so we avoid conversations that may lead to conflict.
Overtime couples find themselves sharing a house, sharing kids, sharing food, and even sharing a bed but not sharing feelings, dreams, goals, passions, hobbies or even service to others together. Couples who live the Married-Single life are committed to staying together, but their friendship, intimacy, passion, and emotional connections die daily.
So, what’s the cure? Well, like any illness, prevention and early detection are key, but even if you are already suffering severely there is hope!
Here are 10 ways to prevent & cure Married-Singleness
- Go to bed together – If at all possible, keep the same rest and wake times. This shared rhythm of rest/wake helps builds intimacy because bedtime is a consistent quiet place for you to talk and pray together. Being in bed together strengthens trust as well. There is greater accountability on many levels when a husband and wife share the same rest/wake schedule.
- Talk and Text – Each night before bed be sure to that you are not just sharing information. Include feelings and actively listen to one another. Text during the day – again, do not just send information, send positive emotion. (example: Thinking of you right now – I hope you’re having a great day – I’m looking forward to seeing you tonight) Studies have shown that taking a few minutes to talk to someone you love in the afternoon increases afternoon job productivity.
- Touch – Hugs, pats on the lower back, 20 second neck rubs, and holding hands while walking through a parking lot are all important non-verbal ways to connect.
- Have Sex – Withholding sex because of emotional distance is a mistake, sex connects more than just our bodies!
- Play Together – be playful around the house and do things together (take walks, swing on your kids play set, ride bikes together)
- Pray out-loud Together – Don’t over complicate this. Simple night time prayers prayed out loud for one another are a way of blessing one another, sharing concerns, and connecting hearts.
- Thank and Complement One Another – Make it a habit to notice and express appreciation for the small things. Complement your spouse on their looks and even their character traits. (I really like that outfit on you. or You’re so good with people, I love how you handled that exchange with the cashier – I think you made her day better).
- Kisssss – No, that’s not a typo. Take time to kiss your spouse longer than just a quick peck on the cheek before you head out the door. A lingering Kisssss is a special touch that says to your spouse, I love you, I need you, I want you, You matter, You’re important, You’re special and so much more.
- Make Decisions Together – while it may be true that one of you is better at calculating, planning and deciding, be careful not to delegate decision making to one person. Whether we realize it or not, emotions and values are associated with every decision. Evaluating choices and deciding on things together will build your bond as a couple.
- Eat Together – I know you’re busy but food is a connector. The food itself is a shared experience (especially if you are sharing a meal) and the down-time is a great time to talk with each other.
- Have a Devotional Time – Read and discuss Bible based devotions together. Some couples do this together in the morning or evening. Other couples read the devotional separately and then discuss points or highlights afterward. Either way, intimacy with God through reading his word and prayer will increase your intimacy as a couple.
Married-Singleness is an unfulfilling lifestyle that results in deep disappointment, however, with small changes toward consistent connection you can live the Married life you desired when you joyfully said, “I do.”
Want help moving from Married-Single to Happily Married? We can help… Click Here.
“I belong to my beloved, and his desire is for me.”
~ Song of Solomon 7:10 ~