Indiana weather is quite unpredictable this time of year. Temperatures slide up and down without much warning. Despite the ups and downs, I have noticed that many people are getting out to the golf course. I’ve seen them shutting their SUV hatch-backs and shouldering their clubs. Each of them specially outfitted with golf shirts, pattern shorts, and sun-visors. They have their white golf gloves tucked in their back pockets as they stride toward the club house ready for a new season and hoping to play their best round ever.
As I cruse by the course, I often see groups of men playing together. Now and then I see a group of women as well. I’m always happy to see married couples out there teeing off together.
Of course, it doesn’t take long for the perfect game to slip away from us does it? An extra stroke, a bad putt or two and our score is higher (worse) than we dreamed it would be. We bogey, birdie, and par our away through our round and once again the elusive perfect game remains elusive because every stroke above par is counted against us. Every stroke is counted unless, we are offered a Mulligan.
What’s a Mulligan? Essentially, a Mulligan is a redo. A do-over, a second chance. It’s an opportunity to drop another ball, reset and try again. It’s not really an official part of the game of golf. You’ll never see one offered in a master’s tournament. In a real game all strokes count and there are no second chances, no grace. But most of us aren’t playing at that level. From time to time we all use the “foot wedge” and all of us appreciate being offered a Mulligan when we use bad form we mess things up.
Being offered a Mulligan means someone is willing to give you a second chance. Bigger than that, it means they believe in you and your potential to do better. They believe that you want to and will do better given the chance to reset and try again. At times, those who offer a Mulligan are also willing to offer helpful adjustment advise as well. They show us or remind us of a better way to success.
Like the gracious golf partner, from time to time we need to offer our spouse a marriage mulligan. We need to believe in them enough to let them try again. When they mess up. When their words don’t come out right. When they say and do things that hurt us. We can offer a marriage mulligan. They are likely feeling bad about getting off course and your extension of grace can help them course correct.
So what does a marriage mulligan look and sound like?
Let’s role play ways to offer a marriage mulligan…
Mulligan 1) “Honey, I felt the sting of sarcasm when you said, “Sure, I’d be glad to unload the dishwasher again today!” I hear that you are frustrated and I’d like to hear more of your heart so that I can adjust some things myself and with the family.
Mulligan 2) “When you came home tonight I graciously listened as you shared all about the project you were working on and how your boss is putting a lot of pressure on you, but I was hoping you might notice that I mowed the yard and had dinner ready when you came in tonight. I’m not mad, I’m just interested in hearing your words of affirmation and appreciation.”
Mulligan 3) “Babe, I thought we agreed that you would switch out the laundry while I was out getting groceries? I know you’re working on things related to our business but I need the laundry switched out because I’m hoping to get everyone’s clothing washed up before the weekend… Would you please take a moment now to switch the loads so I won’t fall too far behind.”
Offering a mulligan is offering immediate forgiveness, grace and a second chance. At the core, it is about truly offering your spouse the benefit of the doubt and believing the best about them. It is setting aside the right to hold the strike (or stroke) against your spouse and instead provide them a gracious “reset” opportunity where they can make adjustments and try again.
In the game of Golf a mulligan can be helpful, however, if you are in constant need of mulligan mercy then grace isn’t the only thing needed. In the game of golf, if you repeat the same mistakes (slicing, hooking, dropping it into the drink and missing puts) you fix the problem with the help of a coach. You get help and instruction about how you can change your unproductive habits – you get coaching. You take a lesson or two from someone who knows how to help. You let them watch your swing and then you listen and as they suggest new postures, rhythms, and methods and winning strategies that you can try on for size. Why not do the same for your marriage? Find a coach and let them lead you toward discovering your personal best. You might be surprised how small adjustments produce fulfilling results.
Side Note: I don’t know where the name or term Mulligan came from. Left to my imagination, I conclude that the “Mulligan” was named after Mr. Mulligan who was an EGR type of golfer (Extra Grace Required). He likely needed a lot of do-over opportunites in order to improve his game. If you are a Mr. or Mrs. Mulligan in your marriage (or other relationships) please click the contact button below….we can help.
“See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.”
~ Hebrews 12:15 ~