Say the word love and people immediately begin singing Nat King Cole‘s famous lyrical acronym, “L is for the way you look at me…” The song reflects the early infatuation lovers begin with. It’s a peppy song that makes you believe the best about being in love…
L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore.
The song has a blue sky quality to it, however, there is one line in the song that reveals the darker side – the risk of being in love. It’s the line “take my heart but please don’t break it!”
It’s a request we all make and a promise we all intend to keep, but the truth is, we can’t and we don’t. We break each other’s hearts. It happens every time, even in the best of relationships. In one way or another we will break each other’s heart.
Call me pessimistic, but I actually believe that our infatuation with one another has to break for true and mature love to finally emerge. Sadly, many people give up on each other the moment their infatuation breaks. Doubts and questions arise in their minds and they begin to wonder if they have married the wrong person. They have not. They are just in phase 2 of four phases we find in every couples relationship. Here are the phases: 1. New Love, 2. Brokenness, 3. Grace and Forgiveness, 4. Renewed (mature) Love.
They say love is blind, but that is only true of phase 1. New Love. Phase 4. Renewed Love – Mature love isn’t blind. It sees all kinds of failures and faults and chooses to stay anyway. Mature love isn’t blind, it is sober and wide-eyed. It is also gracious, forgiving, hopeful and committed.
So, for the rest of this post I’m going to assume that you have given your heart and it has been broken (at least on some level) by the one you hoped would LOVE you forever. With that, lets take a walk back through Mr. Cole’s LOVE acronym and pause to ask ourselves a few key questions about our LOVE for one another beyond the brokenness.
L – is for the way you look at me.
How do you see your spouse at this point? By now you’ve realized they aren’t perfect. The very things you once thought were adorable may now be annoyances. What shift in thought and perspective do you need so that you can regain fascination and appreciation for your spouse rather than frustration and aggravation when it comes to the ways you are different?
O – is for the only one I see. Are you keeping your eyes on your spouse? Are there others who are beginning to capture your gaze? If so, commit to fixing your eyes on him or her only. If you are noticing others please break your patterns and refocus your eyes, heart and mind on truly seeing and discovering more about your spouse. Fight the belief that you know all there is to know about your husband or wife. Embrace the truth that your spouse is a wonderland for you alone to explore deeply.
V – is very, very extraordinary. What extraordinary qualities do you see in your spouse? If it has been a while since you have given your spouse a complement, look for things they do well / do right. It is easy to point out what your spouse isn’t good at. Don’t put your focus there. If they aren’t so great at something, it likely means they are extraordinary at something else. For instance, if you are disappointed that your spouse isn’t spontaneous it may be because they are an extraordinary planner. Perhaps they aren’t so good with money but are they great with hospitality and helping people? You can renew your appreciation for your spouse by focusing even just a few moments a day on your spouse’s extraordinary qualities.
E – is even more than anyone that you adore.
Is there anyone inside or outside of your home that you adore more than your spouse? Be careful that you don’t allow yourself to shift adoration away from your spouse to others. We have already mentioned the temptation to “notice” and perhaps even begin to adore someone other than you spouse. These people are often outside of our home; people we work with, neighbors, or others. Sometimes, our adoration shifts from our spouse to our children. Over time, and often because of our encounter with one another’s brokenness, we can shift our time, our touch, our attention and adoration away from our spouse and onto our children. If adoration has shifted, re-calibrate your time, touch and attention toward your spouse.
Mr. Cole finishes his famous song with the line… “Love was made for me and you.” I think that “LOVE is made by me and you” might be a more fitting phrase.
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“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
~ 1 Corinthians 13-4-7 ~