It may be time to get the FBI involved in your relationship. No, I don’t mean the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Instead, I am promoting a new strategy for communication that we at Love Ministries call FBI. FBI is a winning strategy for communication you can easily adopt and apply in your marriage and other relationships. FBI is a pathway for engaging in loving and respectful communication when conflict, irritation, and hurt feelings arise.

FBI stands for…
Feeling
Behavior
Impact

Start by stating the feeling. Then share the behavior or situation it is stemming from. Then, you can share the impact you believe it is having on your life and relationship.

Let’s illustrate…

A few days ago, my wife Tami and I (Todd) experienced a conflict in our relationship over the way I was making appointments. We had agreed that appointments needed to be checked against the calendar and that new appointments needed to be recorded there as soon as they were made so that we would not double book ourselves among other things. I had become sloppy in my checking dates and recording new appointments and Tami confronted me. In the past she might have used an angry tone and even sarcastic words to deliver her disappointment, but this year she and I have taken seriously the idea that we can master the art of using FBI statements with one another so that we can get to understanding and eventually onto solutions to our problems and situations without causing more harm or injury to our relationship. Below is a great example of an FBI statement followed by an example of how not to speak to one another. The first is clear and kind, the other is the kind of thing that only works on a comedy sitcom with laugh tracks. Example 1 accomplishes understanding, while example 2 demolishes it.

Example 1 – How to use FBI in a statement: I feel flustered and frustrated (feeling) when you don’t write your appointments on the calendar (behavior / situation). The impact (impact) is that I cannot plan well for you to be gone and it is hard for me to feel supportive of you especially when I may have important appointments scheduled on those days as well.

Example 2 – How not to state the conflict or complaint: You never check the calendar Captain impulse! (name calling) I have appointments that day to you know! (negative accusation) Sure I’ll take all the kids with me to the gynecologist! Hopefully the stickers and dumb-dumbs will be enough to distract them from being traumatized by my pelvic exam (sarcasm and shame).

So, what conflict are you needing to address in your relationship?

Do an FBI investigation. Look to see if you are properly communicating Feelings, Behaviors and the Impact it is having on your relationship.
Want more help with your relationships? Click here to contact Todd & Tami Hair at Love Ministries.

The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.
~ Proverbs 18:21 ~