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To facilitate meaningful connections, it's vital to create an atmosphere conducive to heartfelt conversations. Utilize the tender and respectful question, "Can I give you my heart?" as a mutually agreed-upon invitation for both partners to engage in deeper discussions.
Create a healthy listening and sharing environment by turning off distractions like the TV, putting away phones, and ensuring privacy, while adopting an open posture toward one another. Foster an atmosphere of receptivity by releasing defensiveness and reflecting on James 1:19: "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." With this groundwork laid, proceed with the conversation using the F.B.I. communication pathway.
Now you are ready to move into the conversation using the F.B.I. conversation pathway.
Create a healthy listening and sharing environment by turning off distractions like the TV, putting away phones, and ensuring privacy, while adopting an open posture toward one another. Foster an atmosphere of receptivity by releasing defensiveness and reflecting on James 1:19: "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." With this groundwork laid, proceed with the conversation using the F.B.I. communication pathway.
Now you are ready to move into the conversation using the F.B.I. conversation pathway.
Once you've established an atmosphere conducive to listening and sharing, employ the F.B.I. conversation pathway to delve into matters of the heart.
F = Feeling
B = Behavior (or situation)
I = Impact
Feeling: Identify one primary emotion you're experiencing. I feel ________________________________________________
Behavior: Specify the behavior or situation linked to this feeling. About _______________________________________________
Impact: Examine the consequences on yourself, your family, or your relationship. This impacts ________________________________________
Validation: As the listener, validate the shared feeling and inquire if more needs to be expressed. Observe for signs of validation through body language.
Solutions: Only explore solutions after validation. Brainstorm potential actions to address the behavior or situation collaboratively.
F = Feeling
B = Behavior (or situation)
I = Impact
Feeling: Identify one primary emotion you're experiencing. I feel ________________________________________________
Behavior: Specify the behavior or situation linked to this feeling. About _______________________________________________
Impact: Examine the consequences on yourself, your family, or your relationship. This impacts ________________________________________
Validation: As the listener, validate the shared feeling and inquire if more needs to be expressed. Observe for signs of validation through body language.
Solutions: Only explore solutions after validation. Brainstorm potential actions to address the behavior or situation collaboratively.
Healthy couples engage in communication across four levels:
L1. Information: Sharing essential details such as dates, events, preparations, and plans.
L2. Opinions and Preferences: Understanding each other's likes, dislikes, favorite things, and preferences.
NOTE: Couple's who primarily relate on the first two levels only often report feeling like roommates and married-singles.
L3. Feelings and Heart-Level Relating: Expressing emotions and innermost feelings, fostering deep understanding and intimacy.
L4. Prayer: Utilizing prayer to reveal the heart in ways conversation alone may not achieve, building intimacy with both God and one's spouse.
L1. Information: Sharing essential details such as dates, events, preparations, and plans.
L2. Opinions and Preferences: Understanding each other's likes, dislikes, favorite things, and preferences.
NOTE: Couple's who primarily relate on the first two levels only often report feeling like roommates and married-singles.
L3. Feelings and Heart-Level Relating: Expressing emotions and innermost feelings, fostering deep understanding and intimacy.
L4. Prayer: Utilizing prayer to reveal the heart in ways conversation alone may not achieve, building intimacy with both God and one's spouse.
Each of us carries an emotional bucket within our hearts, accumulating various feelings and emotions, ranging from recent events to those dating back to childhood.
When these emotional buckets become full, we often "splash out" with bursts of emotion, or even tip over, overwhelmed by the weight of what we've been carrying.
Many individuals attempt to contain their emotional buckets, only to find that the contents leak out, resulting in stress, depression, or health problems.
Healthy couples share daily the contents of their emotional buckets, offering mutual support as they explore deeper emotions and experiences, even those from long ago. The goal is to carry more of a plate than a bucket!
When these emotional buckets become full, we often "splash out" with bursts of emotion, or even tip over, overwhelmed by the weight of what we've been carrying.
Many individuals attempt to contain their emotional buckets, only to find that the contents leak out, resulting in stress, depression, or health problems.
Healthy couples share daily the contents of their emotional buckets, offering mutual support as they explore deeper emotions and experiences, even those from long ago. The goal is to carry more of a plate than a bucket!
Healthy couples relate daily in three key ways; Back-to-back, Shoulder-to-shoulder, and Face-to-face.
B2B = connecting and supporting at times when we are apart. Think: Biggest Fan & Supporter
S2S = playing and working together. Think: Friend & Teammate
F2F = sharing your feelings and intimate touch Think: Deeply known & Intimate Connections
Song of Solomon: 5:16 "...this is my lover and my friend."
B2B = connecting and supporting at times when we are apart. Think: Biggest Fan & Supporter
S2S = playing and working together. Think: Friend & Teammate
F2F = sharing your feelings and intimate touch Think: Deeply known & Intimate Connections
Song of Solomon: 5:16 "...this is my lover and my friend."
Couples often find themselves falling repeatedly into these common conversation pitfalls. They are titled WENI to help remember that these are common "wimpy" ways of relating that are often unproductive and can even injure the relationship.
W = Withdraw. shutting down, walking away, leaving the room or house. Withdraw can also be a way of living over time in an effort to keep the peace (a false peace). Withdraw leaves everyone feeling insecure about the relationship and holds no promise that things will ever be resolved.
E = Escalation. a back and forth power struggle over who is right. Often including harsh words, accusations and judgments. Sometimes becomes loud and can become aggressive and even violent. *withdraw is often a response to escalation *taking a "time-out" is best.
N = Negative interpretation. assigning a negative meaning to words, actions, or lack of words and actions that is not accurate or true of your spouse's real thoughts, motives or intentions.
I = Invalidation. telling a spouse they shouldn't feel the way they are or have been feeling. Being dismissive of your spouse's feelings or simply missing the importance of validation by too quickly moving on to solutions.
W = Withdraw. shutting down, walking away, leaving the room or house. Withdraw can also be a way of living over time in an effort to keep the peace (a false peace). Withdraw leaves everyone feeling insecure about the relationship and holds no promise that things will ever be resolved.
E = Escalation. a back and forth power struggle over who is right. Often including harsh words, accusations and judgments. Sometimes becomes loud and can become aggressive and even violent. *withdraw is often a response to escalation *taking a "time-out" is best.
N = Negative interpretation. assigning a negative meaning to words, actions, or lack of words and actions that is not accurate or true of your spouse's real thoughts, motives or intentions.
I = Invalidation. telling a spouse they shouldn't feel the way they are or have been feeling. Being dismissive of your spouse's feelings or simply missing the importance of validation by too quickly moving on to solutions.